Page 24 - BOL April 21 Edition

Dear Alice
Dear Alice

the past?
How do I let go ofw do I let go of the past?
Ho

Dear Alice
I’m obsessed with this guy I met up with one time. We met 15 years ago and we speak online often. I’ve noticed that
I am quite sceptical due to my past experiences with men. I am constantly fault-finding, however my friends tell me
that he hasn’t done anything wrong thus far. I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy getting to know him better
but I can’t help but think that the other shoe is going to drop. I want to be open and have fun with another human
being but I can’t get over my baggage of past failed relationships. It’s hard because I find my all or nothing thinking is
sabotaging the new relationship. How can I let go of the past and enjoy the present? I really want to get to know this
guy and live for the future.
- Bella
Hey Bella.
Wow that is so wonderful that you are able to be so insightful and call yourself out like that. Congratulations! It’s
interesting how our brains are hard-wired to use memories to quickly judge how to respond in the present. This ability
has created our human evolution but yet in your case your hypervigilance for relationships is bringing you down.
Connection is serious business and it is really important to connect with other people. The thing is that you need to
open the door but keep the screen door locked. You can be open to learning more about someone at the same time as
keeping your boundaries and routine in check. It’s a delicate balance and I hear you asking how this can be achieved. It’s
about staying true to yourself and having faith that by instilling your boundaries, you will come across people that will
respect them. We teach people how to treat us. If you’re not happy with how you are being treated then say it; providing
an example of how you would prefer to be treated instead. If people don’t respect that then you need to be okay to
say, thank you for the time you’ve given me, but this is not for me. At the end of the day you need to give people the
benefit of the doubt until they show you contrary evidence. It sounds like you are displacing your feelings towards your
ex-partners on to your new date. Perhaps it would be helpful to write those ex’s a letter, telling them exactly how they
hurt you. Let out your pain. Call out the names of the people that hurt you. You don’t have to send the letters. The most
important thing is to trust your instincts and follow your heart because that will never disappoint you. Accept that you
may sometimes make choices that don’t work out for you, but that you will learn from it and not do it again. If you are
able to overcome the preconceived ideas of what is around the corner and embrace the unknown, perhaps you will be
able to live in the now and enjoy today – whether it is with this guy or the next.

If you’ve got a question for Alice that you’d like
published, email it to -moretonbay@bestoflocal.com.au

@alicejenkinsau