Page 21 - BOL Mar 22 Edition

Dear Alice
Dear Alice

no give
All tak no give
All take,e,

Dear Alice,

I am a highly empathetic person and I find myself getting really drained. I tend to feel other’s pain and try my best to
help people. I like being there for others but I have found that I lose myself in their journey. Generally speaking, I put
others needs before my own and try to make everyone happy. Sometimes I get down because my friends and family
don’t do the same for me, they just take, take, take. How can I be a nice person without becoming emotionally fatigued?

Gabrielle

Hi Gabrielle,
Thanks for writing in! A lot of emotionally intelligent people struggle with this exact issue. There’s a lot of pop psychology
online about the difference between someone that is empathetic and someone that is co-dependent. The major difference
is that an empath can feel someone’s pain but does not take it on as their own. Conceptualise empathy and co-dependency
as a spectrum, at one end you have someone that cares about others but puts their own needs first, and on the other
end you have someone that lives their lives in a reactive way to the emotional states of other people. There’s a fine line
between living for yourself and living for others. You can have strong boundaries and be a nice person. When you go
along with whatever someone else wants, just to make them happy, you are actually denying them the real you. When
you consistently pander to the needs of others, you lose who you really are. Why don’t you try to impose a 24 hour rule;
before you commit to something, say thank you for the offer, but you need to check your diary or check with your family for
conflicting commitments. This will give you time to reflect, and an opportunity to opt out if it does not serve your greater
good. Then if you cannot accept the invitation, you can simply say that you have conflicting commitments but wish them
well. Another point that I would like to make is that of communicating your needs, not everyone is going to be as in tune
with others needs as you are. It is your responsibility as an adult to ask for what you need. Tell your friends and family that
you need them to sit with you through your pain. Asking for what you want is hard but it’s the only way other people know
that you need them! You can do it!

If you’ve got a question for Alice that
you’d like published, email it to:
@alicejenkinsau moretonbay@bestoflocal.com.au
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