Page 25 - BOL Nov 22 Edition
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CONVERSATIONS WITH
Leonie
Leonie
Hi Leonie,
I have some family problems at the moment. I live alone and get lonely at times so my primary social activity is around family. My nature is that
of a giver. I like to buy gifts and I like to make sure that I never show up empty handed when I go to mums or to any other family event. I like to buy
gifts for my nieces and nephews and when I see something they might like I will normally grab it for my next visit. So, the problem is that my sisters
have now said that I need to stop with the presents and the only thing they want me to ever bring is food or something to share with coffee, they
told me together and I feel a bit ganged up on. I do feel that I have rights as an Aunty to give the kids presents if I can afford it. I am very upset,
and it is playing on my mind. I haven’t been over since and it’s been about two weeks since I have seen mum. They are asking me to change my
personality and it’s not fair. I am a giver by nature, and this is who I am. How can I manage this.
Caitlyn/Kallangur
Hi Caitlyn,
You may find that you are not happy with my thoughts on this but here it is. People are often suspicious of this kind of behaviour,
believing it to be due to the person wanting recognition or praise for their giving. They may see it as narcissistic and a way to be seen
as an altruising, good person. You can be seen as giving only to get praise or to be spoken about in the positive.
This type of giving could also be interpreted as a quid pro quo attempt by the giver where the receiver truly feels that the giver
wants them to be in their dept and owe them a favour should they ask for it. These feelings naturally cause a person to move away
from a relationship and want to put distance between them and the giver. The last thing most people want is for someone to dread
your visits and I don’t believe that you would want this either so you might consider just respecting your families wishes here.
Additionally, giving all the time could be seen as you just showing off your income or your lifestyle esp. if the people you are giving
to are not experiencing the same level of income and standard of living.
Using the same reasoning here, some people may be uncomfortable because they are not in a financial position to reciprocate, and
this causes undue stress on the relationship.
Your family members may be trying not to spoil their children or to teach them that ‘first comes effort - then comes reward’ and you
showing up with gifts every time you go over could be very undermining to their chosen parenting style. Whatever their reasoning,
they have made it clear that they do not enjoy your gift giving and that they are uncomfortable with this so the respectful thing to
do is to stop.
Stop and think about exactly what kind of relationship you really want with others. It’s wonderful if to be a giver. However, saying
that you are a giver and that’s who you are holds little weight.
Why? Because there are many types of currency to give to
others, not just money and people who are natural givers will
give the gift of themselves. One of the strongest currencies Email: leonieschilling@bigpond.com
we can give to others is the currency of time and effort. This Leonie is a qualified private
includes volunteering, of working with the elderly and/or practitioner at North Lakes
neglected animals, of raising money for research and also Counselling Services.
close to home is the currency of helping your family with For appointments please phone
childcare and other types of non-monitory needs. Have you 3886 2715 or 0423 653 841
ever said to your brother “Hey guys how about you go out for www.northlakescounsellingservices.com.au
a couples date, and I’ll look after the kids” or “Would you like
me to ferry the kids around to sport, dance or whatever so ABOUT LEONIE
you can get on top of the shopping and housework and have Leonie is a qualified counsellor, Trainer and Assessor, published
a bit of the weekend left to rest before Monday”? Author, Columnist, Radio Commentator and Justice of the Peace.
I hope I have reframed the concept of true giving for you and Established in 2007, North Lakes Counselling Services has a
that you can see this situation in a different way. long history of helping couples and individuals manage their
relationships and attain their personal goals.
Til next month CATCH LEONIE’S RADIO SHOW “ON THE
Leonie COUCH WITH LEONIE” EVERY THIRD TUESDAY
OF THE MONTH AT 11AM ON 99.7 BRIDGE FM
November 2022 www.bestoflocal.com.au 25